Beautiful Conflict

Conflict theory asserts that conflict in the family is a very normal and even healthy (when correctly handled) occurrence. In any union, conflict is almost inevitable. No one is 100% the same in their preferences (thank heavens) so acknowledging the fact that disagreements are a natural part of all relationships is imperative. Once this is recognized, how to properly handle these disagreements can be addressed. This is important to our society’s martial success ratings, as research shows that 99.9% of relationships end because of disagreement! Astonishing, right?!

Because disagreement is inevitable, obviously there are some forms that are harmless (to scientifically explain those frustratingly perfect couples who have no problems), and when they are identified and treated as such, provide little friction to the relationship. For example, not every conflict has a right and a wrong side. Some conflicts are merely between ideas or partialities that are mutually exclusive, or concepts that cannot both exist at the same time and place. These kinds of conflicts are constantly naturally occurring in the world all around us, such as light and day, land and sea, Star Wars and Star Trek. None of these arguments have a clear and undeniably morally ‘right side’ or ‘wrong side’ (though I’m sure some nerds would fight me on the last one) they are simply ideas that cannot exist together. In fact, the frictional harmony these issues create are usually subjects of celebrated beauty, like a sunrise, or waves lapping up on a sandy beach, or stars splattered across a night sky. They are complimentary to each other and cannot exist without the opposition the other provides. Men and women are a classic example of a non-adversarial disagreement (mutually exclusive conflict), and the marriages they share with each other provide even more instances of such phenomena. For example, a husband might think the best thing to do with the empty space in the front lawn is to plant a large tree to give shade, but the wife might prefer a flower bed for the sunny spot. These kinds of disagreements are part of the usual major martial conflicts of our world, but they shouldn’t be. There is no right or wrong answer to theses dilemmas. Each option has its own weaknesses and strengths, and once couples realize this and discuss these issues with a certain respect for the strengths of each opinion, I personally feel like it would release much of the contention and built up pressure on the relationship, resulting in fewer divorces and happier families.

What about the disagreements that do have clear right and wrong solutions? Obviously, unless you are a moral relativist, there are some arguments that have an absolute right and wrong answer, and we gained the privilege of identifying these issues in the Garden of Eden. These are called adversarial disagreements, and they can be damaging to relationships if the attributers are on opposing sides. Once an individual enters an argument they consider to be adversarial, a tone of malice enters the conversation, and it becomes increasingly difficult to discuss respectfully, much less strengthen a loving relationship, when they take place. Although this kind of contention might not be negotiable, the other kinds usually are. Once an individual can determine situations that are complimentary instead of adversarial, I think most conversations will lose their aggression.

Good marriages are built on good communication and the proper handling of disagreements. Respectability during discussion is a crucial part of these qualities, and that respect is much easier had when the argument is properly analyzed and categorized. Complimentary issues are beautiful, not destructive or hostile, and knowing this is key to being diplomatic in all aspects of life.